Just Me Against The World...

Hey guys :) I know my blog has little to no readers at all, but I'm still going to be talking a little bit about my life today. Not that you guys are even interested anyway, but I'm still going to do it :P I'm sorry it's kind of long though.

So since I was young I never had many friends. It was most of the time just me and my best friend. But here's the thing, my best friend never really stayed my best friend for very long, as soon as we switched classes and were not in the same class/school anymore, we sort of drifted apart and no matter how hard we tried to stay best friends, it never really worked out... Maybe it was because as we went to different classes and different schools, we all made new friends and the schedules and all that were different, yet no one really made the extra effort to make time, so as time went be y, we just drifted apart from each other.

So every 1 or 2 years, I would have a new best friend. But I guess I should consider myself lucky that I at least had a best friend. Then again, here's the thing, as time went by, I slowly got REALLY REALLY irritated with my best friend, I guess I should have just kept reminding myself that nobody is perfect and I should love my best friend for who she is. But they all had their annoying, irritating and bad traits, and these traits sort of got the better of me as time went by. I guess that also contributed to why we drifted apart when we went our separate ways.

It wasn't until I was 11 that I met this one friend... We went through literally everything together. We went through major exams together, got scolded together, comforted one another, went for remedial together, basically we went through thick and thin with one another. I really thought that she was the one, the one friend that would stick with me and support me throughout even when we went our separate ways. But as time went by, her flaws got the better of me too, and I started to get really irritated with her, and we started quarreling a lot too. When we were both 12, we had to sit for a major exam, and I guess it was because the major exam put a lot of stress on us and sort of pushed us closer together and helped to patch things up between us. So basically, after the major exam, school was a lot more relaxed and it also gave us time to bond more with one another. It was then that I started to think that she was THAT friend again, the one who would stick with me throughout.

But it turns out, I was wrong. After the major exam results came out, my results were better than her by quite a huge margin, but after having gone though so much together, I even thought of giving up my chances of going to a good school and go to a school of her standard just so we can be together, but I knew it would make my parents upset and I would be letting them down after they had been expecting so much from me. So we ended up going to different schools, and as I had feared, we drifted apart. We tried to meet up whenever possible, but somehow, I just knew that sometimes she would make up some fake excuse just so she wouldn't have to go out with me. But I don't blame her, cause I sort of did the same thing sometimes too. I mean, with out different schedules and all that, sometimes we were really tired or we would want to go out with our friends from our current school but didn't dare to say so to the other party. And because of that, we drifted apart even though we still occasionally talk to each other and try to meet up.

Anyway, moving on. Now that I'm in a different school, I have a new best friend. But here's the thing, this best friend has got to be the worst best friend I have ever had. We've been friends for almost 2 years already, yet we haven't gone though much thick and thin together. The major problem is that she really wants to be best friends with this other girl in my class, but this other girl already has a best friend and things wouldn't really reach the level of 'best friends' between them. So that was why she continued being my best friend. So in other words, she was sort of using me as a backup. I didn't really notice at first, but it got really obvious after a while, and it really hurt too. Not only that, this best friend didn't act like a best friend at all, she treated me like her assistant or her secretary. She would boss me around and demand me to do things, and she would always take her anger out on me. When she was feeling depressed, she would just ignore me and start shouting at me, knowing that I would say anything back. She thinks that I don't say anything back because I don't dare to, but the truth is, I'm not scared of her, I just don't want to ruin this friendship anymore than it already is. And she expected me to comfort her and agree with her whenever she was depressed or angry. But when I was depressed or angry, she would insensitively just oppose to everything I say and she would never comfort me no matter how much I needed it and she would always take it that she was always right.

Basically, she thought I was lower than her, and that I was scared of her so I had to listen to everything she said yet she didn't have to care about my feelings and that I should be lucky just to be her backup friend. She treated me like dirt and that I was worse than her. It wasn't until then that I realized how much I loved my old best friend, and no matter how I tried to tell myself that everyone has their flaws, my current best friend isn't even treating me like her friend at all.

Then, at the same time, I met this group of friends though CCA. And as time went by, we became really really close. We really went through thick and thin together, and I really though that they could be the group of people that I could fall back on instead of my current "best friend". But then, this competition came along, where we had to compete against each other, and I guess that sort of strained our relationship a lot. Then, we sort of patched up after the competition was over but like the saying goes "you can put a broken mirror back together, but you'll never truly get rid of the cracks". And to make things worse, some of us were selected for another competition while the rest were not, and some of them got really jealous which again, strained our relationship further. And after that, we never really patched things up and we've remained distant with each other. But the thing about my group of friends is that those in the same class became really close and they sort of formed mini groups to go against each other and they all secretly hated each other. 

I actually find it really scary how you could have so many people hating you, yet you won't know. And somehow, I feel that my this group of friends hate me now. So technically speaking, I don't have anybody to fall back on now. I'm just this loner girl in the school. But what really hurts is that my group of friends have drifted so far apart from being so close together. We used to go through EVERYTHING together, but we ended up secretly hating each other. And when I try to solve the problem, like organizing meet-ups and all that, nobody would bother to make time out of their schedule. It was then that I realized how important it was to make that little sacrifice, like making just a little bit of time out of your schedule just to keep the friendship going. And I wish I had known that earlier before so many of my friendships failed. So now I'm just waiting for that one special friend that will TRULY stick with me throughout and go though thick and thin with me. But sometimes I start to wonder if I'll ever meet that one friend. All I can do is hope... But for now, it's just me against the world.

Crazy Thought...

I know this might sound crazy and stupid, but recently, I have been having this urge to get admitted into the hospital. I mean, it's not that I want my parents to worry about me or that I want to take the space of other patients who GENUINELY need medical attention or anything like that, it's just that I can't help it. 
Recently, my mum got admitted into the hospital, I was really worried at first but it turns out it was nothing big, it was just a small matter as long as she took the antibiotics and furthermore, she seems perfectly fine in the hospital, she doesn't look in the least bit sick, and she said she's feeling fine now too. I guess it was my mum's admittance to the hospital that triggered my urge. I have been visiting her everyday after school for the past few days and I have been taking care of her because most of the time she can't really move around much because the drip is fixed there, so I have to help her, but as much as I love my mum, and I'm willing to do anything for her, it has been getting extremely tiring. After helping her and all that at the hospital, I still have to rush back and do my homework and recently I've been getting a TON of projects. I stay up till 2-3am everyday because I spent most of my days at the hospital helping my mum. 
But, honestly, I don't mind, I mean of course I'm super exhausted and all that, but the weird thing is that I actually like spending most of my day going to the hospital to keep my mother company and just help her. Because most of the time, it's just me and her alone in the room and we get to spend quality time with each other, which is something that we haven't been able to do recently. But it still pains me to see her suffer because I know she doesn't like staying in the hospital, but I for one, strangely enjoy going to the hospital. I can't even describe how much I want to take her place. I know it's really stupid and immature to want to get admitted into the hospital, but I really can't help it, no matter how much I try to persuade myself that it's not a good thing, I still can't help but want to get in.
I guess one of the reasons is that recently I've been really stressed out and there's just been so much going on in such a short period of time, I guess I just need a break from everything. I know, I know, you think I'm just stupid and immature and selfish and that I'm making my parents worry and I'm going to be taking up the space of those who REALLY need medical attention and all that, but I'm sorry, I just can't help it no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's also because when I go and visit my mum, she looks so carefree and relaxed because she doesn't have to do anything except just relax all day and she's getting so much attention from the whole family. But for me, I just need a break from everything, I guess the only reason I want to get admitted in is that it'll be a break from everything, I really don't want my parents to worry for me or anything and I don't need their attention (though that would be nice), I just need to get away from everything. 
I know you are probably thinking that there's so many ways I can take a break and get away, but if you were me, you would know that there really is no way out. There's just so much going on and so many responsibilities, I can't just throw everything down, I'll be hated by everyone and I won't be trusted anymore. The only way I can get away from things is if I really had a valid reason, a reason that can't be helped... You have no idea how much I'm fighting the urge to harm my own health just to get into the hospital because I know it's a stupid idea. 
But before you start calling me immature and stupid and crazy and whatever else, or say that I'm just seeking attention or that I'm not thinking of the consequences or that I'm just a student, how much stress can I possibly have, and all that kind of things, let me remind you that you're not me, you're not going though what I;m going though...

Words Can Hurt

Hey guys :) I'm back! I just wanted to talk about something more personal to me today. I realized that people nowadays speak without thinking more often than not. They can just tell someone to kill themselves so casually, like it didn't even mean anything to them, and it probably didn't!

I think that people  nowadays don't know the seriousness of their words. To them, it may be nothing, but that 'nothing', could cost someone's life. I can go on the street and ever so often, I hear people just blurting out the words 'GO KILL YOURSELF!' in a moment of anger. But I think what they don't realize is that it could really hurt someone. Someone ever told me to go kill myself before, and it really stung.

You never know who could be struggling. Some people could be on the brink of suicide, and when someone tells them to kill themselves, that could be the last straw, just those few words might really push someone off the edge. This brings me to another topic, too many people nowadays are joking about depression, self harm and suicide. They say it's stupid and that it's just for attention, and that really pisses me off! Do you know how much pain someone must be in, to drag that knife across their skin? Not everybody self harms or commits suicide for attention, there are people that do it in secret. They self harm not because they think it's fun, but to end the pain, to take their attention away from whatever is causing them pain. And they commit suicide because they think that it's the only way out and that it would be better for everyone if they were gone.

Depression is not something to joke about. Do you know how much it hurts, when someone says something but you just have to keep that smile on your face and pretend like it didn't affect you at all? To just hold it in and wait for your chance to go to your room to take out that blade and drag it across your skin? It feels like you're all alone even when you are surrounded by people and you feel your world caving in yet no one's there to help you. You can feel yourself breaking into a million pieces like a broken mirror but nobody's there to help you pick up the pieces. They can hide in their room for hours and just curl up and cry to themselves, feeling like everything is so hopeless and things are never going to get any better. And do you know what hurts the most? Having to force that smile the moment they step out of their room and act like nothing anybody does or says affects them no matter how much it hurts because they know that nobody will care or understand anyway.

I just hope that people will see and understand that one single sentence could cause someone to jump off that building, or swallow that whole bottle of sleeping pills, or drag that blade across their neck. Or their attitude could cause someone to drag that blade across their wrists or thighs. And THEY, THEIR words or attitude would be the cause of their death, or those scars that will be there forever.

My Brother

I really don't know what to think when it comes to my brother. As far as I know, my parents always compare me to my brother. And because my brother's academics wasn't very good, my parents pinned all their academic hopes on me. Eventually, the stress was too much for me, and I kinda let it overwhelm me. Eventually, my grades started dropping... And of course, that led to more stress.

The thing is, I have never been interested in science and so I've never really don't well. And I've also never been good in maths. But my brother ABSOLUTELY LOVES maths and science and so he does quite well although his other subjects may not be that good. And because my brother is good in maths and science, my parents expect me to be just as good as him. But I'm not! Because I have absolutely no interest in maths and science. But I've been giving myself pressure over this... And the more I think about it, the more I find that my brother is so much better than me. I mean I used to at least win him in academics, but now, my academics has been getting worse and his academics has been getting better. And his character is so much Bette then mine. He is kind and generous and all that. And my parents think he's so sweet and always helps then save money and all that. While to my parents, I'm hot tempered and always spends money like crazy and all that. And the more I think about it, the more I think it's true. I can never compare to my brother. It's a no wonder my parents love him so much. But the thing is that sometimes I just find him so annoying and irritating and inconsiderate. It's like he thinks everything is all about him. For example, he and I both have the same Chinese tuition, but every time the teacher messages him about like changes in lesson times or dates, he NEVER asks me. He just thinks as long as HE is free, then it's fine. And sometimes he doesn't even remember he has something on and needs me to remind him AFTER I FIND OUT! Like sometimes he has medical appointments or appointments at the National Skin Centre (cause he has too many pimples :P) and be doesn't even remember and I have to tell him. He really expects the whole world to serve him and revolve around him. He thinks everything is just about him. Which is why I'm so confused. Because sometimes I just find that he is such a good son and he's so perfect to my parents all the time and I can't compete with him. But sometimes I just find him so self-centered and so selfish and inconsiderate. That's why I just feel really frustrated about it. I don't even know what to think anymore...

The Pressure Is ON!

Hey guys! So recently, I was given a leadership position, which I shall not mention here. But anyway, I was really hoping I would get that position since the start of last year and I finally got my wish at the end of last year! I was so elated, I couldn't express how happy I was. Another thing I was hoping for, was that I would get selected to represent my school in a competition. Looking back, I realise how many things I was hoping for last year. I was really greedy. Haha! And at the start of this year, I finally got the news that I was selected to represent my school in the competition! I was just at a loss for words! So many things were finally going my way! My hard work had paid of at last! The thing I didn't think of was that the hard work was only just beginning...

The thing is that, I just really wanted the leadership position, partially because I wanted to serve people, but I have to admit that the arrogant part of me actually wanted the position because people would look up to me and I would be respected, and it looked cool to me... or so I thought... It was only after I started my leadership duties and started training for the competition, did I realise that it was just the tip of the iceberg... 

After getting my leadership position, I realised how I no longer have any freedom, and I had to be super wary of my every actions. Because people would always be looking at me as a leader, and just the slightest mistake could cost me my position and my name would go down the drain. I guess it was my fault, I should have known that "with power comes responsibilities". But I only expected that I had to carry out my duties well, that was it. I didn't expect that I would have to lose my freedom for that position. It's like, one little mistake, and people would be like "woah, leader do that ah! Later you get stripped of your title then you know".Don't get me wrong, of course I know that as a leader I had to be more careful as I was the role model for so many people. But I didn't know that it would be this extreme where you can't even go an hour without being criticised or threatened of your position. The pressure is just extreme! Everybody expects so much from me that I'm also starting to expect so much from myself. It's just really stressful. I know that as a leader, I have to be a role model, but why can't people understand that nobody is perfect, and everybody makes mistakes?! I may hold a leadership position, but I'm still a human. Why is it that I don't get leeway for mistakes just like everyone else?! Of course, I hold a leadership position, but I still deserve a little space for mistakes right? Just maybe a smaller space than everyone else, that's all. Why is it that everyone must push me to the edge?! I'm still a human just like everyone else, I make mistakes too! You know how stressful it gets when you always HAVE to 'rise to the occasion' and you're not allowed to make any mistakes or breakdown? I mean, it's ridiculous! Leaders are humans too, we all make mistakes...

Another thing was that after I started training for the competition, all my friends have been putting so much pressure on me to win the competition. I mean, I know that I was selected to represent the school, so I had to do my best, and if possible, I had to win. But still, was there really a need to put so much pressure on me to win?! I've been really busy lately and there's just been so much to do, and obviously, I want to try my best for my competition so that I can do everyone proud, but could people at least give me a little space so I can breathe?! It's like being surrounded by so many people who just expect so much from you, and suffocating you, knowing you can't deliver.

I just really don't know what to do anymore. I know that I was given the leadership position and the chance to represent the school in the competition because everyone believed in me and expected me to be able to do them all proud. And don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everyone for giving me the opportunity and all, but I just need them to understand that I'm just a human like them, and there's only so much I can take. So I just really need a little space and understanding from them.

And to the people who are just jealous that I got the leadership position and the chance to represent the school, and are just trying to bring me down, go get a life will you? I really don't have the time and energy to be bothered with you. And just so you know, I won't let you bring me down, because I know that there's so many people out there who support me, and I won't let them, and the people who gave me the opportunities down.

My parents

Hey guys :) I know i haven't updated my blog in a while...

I don't know why, but recently I've been rather irritated and annoyed by my parents... It's just that recently I don't feel the bond with them anymore... I mean, it's not like we're strangers or anything, but it's like we're friends... I feel like I have to be so cautious of my behaviour in front of them... And I can't tell them ANY of my secrets... I feel like I have to be so careful of what I say and do in front of them... They just don't feel like family anymore...

When I think about it... I remember there was this once when I was really stressed out over something... I can't remember what. But then my mum came into my room and she comforted me, and she said that no matter what, she would always be there for me no matter what... As time passed, I realised, when I needed her the MOST, she was nowhere to be found...

Like when I was going to have my very first CCA camp, and she, my dad and my brother were overseas on holiday... I fell sick. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. I was so stressed about missing my very first CCA camp, and she wasn't even there for me, she was enjoying herself overseas.

Then when I was so worried about my Japanese exam, I was crying like mad in my room, I kept going over to her room to check if she was awake cause I really wanted her to help and comfort me, but she was already sound asleep. And I couldn't stop crying. The worst part was that it was my birthday...

When I fell down because the floor was wet for some reason, and my leg hurt like mad and I couldn't get up, she and my dad were overseas on holiday, enjoying themselves...

These are just some of the many examples... I'm obviously not going to list everything. I know that most of the times, it was never really my mum's fault, but still, it kind of breaks my heart to know that even though she PROMISED she would always be there for me in my times of need, she was never there when I needed her the MOST... It just really hurts...

And what's more is that recently, my mum and dad have just been saying really mean things to me... Like just yesterday, I was already in a very bad mood, and my mum said I was rude when I barely said one sentence... And that one sentence wasn't even anything rude or mean or hurtful, it was just a casual remark ABOUT MYSELF... What's more is that my mum said I was rude when in actual facts, she's the one that is always rude to people... ON PURPOSE... And after that, when I left, I heard my mum telling my dad how rude and mean I was and she started complaining really meanly and sarcastically. It really hurt... Like really, as in I really felt this surging pain in my chest and I could feel tears well up in my eyes...

I mean, I know it's just ONE word, but that one word really stung... What's more was that I was already in a bad mood.

And recently, my parents have been giving me the type of attitude you give people when they are being really horrible people but you can't say it to their face because it wouldn't be nice... It really hurts that my parents would treat me like that... Especially during this period... I can't say what I'm really going through right now, but I really need the support and encouragement of my parents... But when I need them the most, they're shunning me... It hurts... A lot... And it's not like I have done anything terribly wrong... And yet they're shunning my like the plague... And I'm their daughter. I don't even know why they've been so mean and cold towards me... So far, I haven't even gone a day without getting insulted or criticised by them... I haven't gone a day without feeling hurt because of them.

Another thing was that today, I got some really good news... But instead of being happy for me, my dad gave me an attitude and started grilling me about my hand phone usage and all that... That was the first thing he asked me about when he got home... And all the while after that, he kept giving me an attitude like he was angry at me or something... And I didn't even do anything... I know that all the while, my dad never wanted me to get that piece of good news, because to him, it wasn't good news at all, it was just more work... But he knew how much I wanted it... And he knew how hard I worked for it... I wanted it more than anything in the world. Yet, he couldn't be happy for me, and he still had to rain on my parade. Couldn't he at least be happy for me? Not because he wanted me to get that piece of good news, but be happy for me because I was happy and I finally got what I really wanted?! I knew he didn't like me getting that piece of good news, but did he really have to give me an attitude?!

And my mum... When she got home today, because of some really small matter, she said she was really disappointed in us... And I wasn't even involved! In fact I tried to stop it! It really hurt, especially after what happened with my dad. And after that, she started grilling me with questions about every single little thing that I do... Then, she'll criticise what I do and start giving me the "you are such a bad daughter" look...

I'm getting really annoyed at my parents... I mean, yes, I know, I haven't been the most awesome or good daughter... I haven't been a model daughter, but I have been trying my best to at least not offend my parents or make them angry. But all they have done for the past few days is criticise me and grill me with questions about every single little thing, give me attitude and give me the "I'm so disappointed in you" or the "I'm so annoyed with you" look.

I'm not sure if it's because of all my parent's criticism, or something, but I've been feeling really useless and worthless... Like I'm not good at anything I do, and I'm just a failure in everything I do... I think my parents don't realise how much words can hurt... Especially during this period when I need their support the most... I really miss how things used to be... And I really wish my parents knew how much words could hurt...

Staycation... Again...

Hey guys :) I know I just posted about wanting to go on a staycation like yesterday, so I'm sorry about writing about the same thing. Anyway, I don't know why, but today I just kept thinking about going on a staycation for some odd reason.

The thing is... Today, I suddenly thought back to the times when my family and me were on vacation... I mean yes, sometimes my family can be really insensitive and their words can be a little harsh and I will get pissed and annoyed at them. But when I think back, those times don't seem so bad anymore. I mean, if I summarise my trips one by one, I can say that overall, I had a really awesome time.

To be completely honest, I didn't really treasure the times I had when I was on vacation. And now I regret it. If I could relive those times again, I would really enjoy the time I was having instead of taking it for granted. But sadly, we can't rewind time... 

Actually, I'm kind of sad and jealous because everyone is going on vacation now but I'm not. I would actually really enjoy going on a staycation to Resorts World Sentosa... But the thing is that my dad thinks that staycations are stupid because you might as well save that money spent on the hotel and sleep at home instead. But for me, I beg to differ. Because to me, going on a staycation is like going overseas on a vacation but except without having to worry about what if there's an important message or what if the sender thinks you're being rude because you didn't reply and things like that. So for me, it's only on a staycation where I can completely unwind and enjoy without worries. Sadly, my parents think differently... 

I really think that I'm getting really stressed up and I really need to unwind... I know that isn't what someone should say about themselves, and that it isn't up to us to judge these kind of things... But in my HONEST opinion, I think a staycation would be really good for my family and me... The thing is that, my parents just came back from going overseas together to celebrate their anniversary...And they've been going overseas together a lot lately... But my brother and me hardly ever see them... They always spend time together, but we hardly spend time as a family... I mean, yes, we did just go to the Adventure Cove Water Park as a family, but other than that, we hardly ever spend time as a family because my parents leave for work really early and come back really late... And even during weekends, we are all in our own rooms and hardly come out to talk to each other... I feel that as a family, the parents and children bond is growing apart... There has been so much happening to me lately but my parents don't know...

I just really need to unwind and spend some time with my family... But my parents don't see it the same way... And I really don't know when is the next time we can actually relax together as a family...