Hey guys! So I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I decided that I needed to express how my 2013 has been. So yeah…
2013 has really been a very chaotic and busy year for me. It was filled with ups and downs, but sad to say, mostly downs. Thinking back, I just remember short snippets of everything that happened and everything else is just a blur. When I think of 2013, it's actually a shroud of darkness.
Camps, competitions, exams… The blood, sweat and tears, and sad to say when I say blood sweat and tears I don't mean it metaphorically, I actually mean it literally. The nights I stayed up crying myself to sleep, the times I had to blast music through my headphones full blast just because I couldn't show how hurt I was inside, or maybe simply because no one could be bothered. The times I sat in the corner of tiny bedroom… Penknife in hand, tears in my eyes. Yes, I said it. I've never ever told anyone about it, but I do have a tumblr account where I do hint that I do it, but no one knows about it. No one I know knows about this blog too anyway. And to continue, the times I had to hold back the tears because I knew I would just be called spoilt or a crybaby. The times I stood right there, holding back the tears, wanting to die yet no one even acknowledged my presence. The hard times in my CCA where it took so much mental and physical energy out of me I cried so many nights, where I thought of killing myself just so I wouldn't have to go. The embarrassment I faced throughout this year cannot be counted in a day. And as you all probably know by now, I'm very conscious of myself, so every time I'm embarrassed, it really takes a lot out of me and it takes a really long time for me to get over it.
The mistakes, the times I let so many people down. It's quite obvious by now that my 2013 was definitely not a bed of roses. There were so many times, especially during competitions that I let so many people down. I tried to put on a strong front but I really couldn't control it. So many people came down to support me and when the results was announced I really felt my world come crashing down. Not winning is one thing but getting one of the lowest is a completely different thing. I felt that everyone who came down to support me must have been so disappointed. Everyone put their faith in me and I let them down. It really took ages for me to get over it. But after A week or so, after the tears have dried and my heart hardened and I picked myself up again, I realised that it was the times where I have failed that I learnt the most. In the previous competition where I did reasonably well, it was definitely a moment of glory, it was definitely one of the happiest moments of my life, but what did I learn? Having done so well, I didn't really feel the need to reflect and I can say that I didn't learn much. But when I did so badly, I realised that it was then that I learnt so much. On how I can improve. On what I did wrong.
And also, another time, I was leading a group in a competition. And I made a deadly mistake that pulled my whole group down so much. I really beat myself up over it for so long. I felt that as the in-charge of the group I should be the one not making any mistakes but yet I made the biggest one of all. But it was then that I realised, no matter who you are or what position you hold, everyone makes mistakes, it's how you overcome them. And it made me realise that I shouldn't be so harsh to those that make mistakes, cause everyone does. So the next time I lead a group, if I even get the chance to after what happened, I learnt to be more forgiving and instead of harping on their mistakes, to instead forgive and learn from it. It really taught me so much about being a leader.
So all in all, after all the mistakes, the disappointments, the embarrassments, I realised that it was these times where I learnt the most. Sure, these times weren't easy, but I learnt so much more than when I do well. Of course I'm not saying I should start doing badly, but to instead not beat myself up over my mistakes, but to reflect and learn from it instead, and remember the next time others make mistakes, to remember how I felt when I made a mistake.
So with all that said, I'm, for the thousandth time, going to say that 2013 was a very eventful year and it definitely wasn't easy. All my holidays were filled with activities, and I'm not even kidding. Even during the holidays, I hardly had a day I could sleep past 8am or a day where I had nothing to do and could just stay home and relax. And it's only on the last day or two before school starts again that I'm free. But I usually have to spend these days doing my homework or studying for the upcoming exams. So come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I could actually just sit there and relax with nothing on my mind. Even as I sit here, typing out my past one year, I still have a pile of homework waiting for me and a ton of stuff to pack and school starts tomorrow.
Throughout the whole year, I felt this constant pressure to be the best at everything, to excel in everything. And having took part in so many events, I of course felt so much pressure to do well in all of them. it really took a toll on me and I was constantly tired and and I only got 2 to 3 hours of sleep everyday.
But with the new year here, I have decided that my new year's resolution for this year shall be to be more disciplined. There were so many times in 2013 that I set a schedule for myself but of course didn't follow it. It became such that it wasn't even a surprise anymore, every time I set a schedule I would actually expect to not follow it. So I decided that in 2014, I have to be more disciplined. Since I wasn't willing to give up on any activities or take up less activities, then I definitely had to be more disciplined so that I at least had my life in check. But it would definitely mean that I would be very tired since I had to follow the "schedule" non-stop, I would get hardly any to no time to relax. But I guess it's something I have to be willing to sacrifice to become a better person.
2013 was definitely a very difficult year, one of the most difficult in fact, but it was definitely memorable and come to think of it, 2013 really changed me to become a better person. I learnt so much, from all the mistakes, all the people I met. So I guess 2013, now known to me as one of the most difficult years I have ever been through, was just a step in my journey to become a better person.
I've always believed that our future isn't written, not in the stars or anything like that, but it's more of the path we choose to take. We write our own future. Sure, a lot of things we can't control do change our course, but if we were willed enough, we would definitely be able to do it. It just means a lot more handwork. A lot more blood, sweat and tears. Our lives are just an unwritten book, and the pen is in our hands. The little twist and turns that God gives us that we can't control are just there to help us grow as a person and help guide us to the path we should take.
So here's to a better year ahead. To a more fruitful year. If you think that 2013 wasn't the best you could give, like me, then make sure 2014 is at least a little better. Take little steps, at least then, you would be sure that you're definitely growing as a person. HERE'S TO THE BEST YEAR WE'VE HAD SO FAR!
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